Tags: Barton Cutter, disability and relationships, disability self advocacy, disabled self defense, humor, interability marriage, self defense for people with disabilities
What a night Saturday was! I certainly did not expect to be shifting from engaging in a casual conversation with someone at the bar to making sure he couldn’t do damage to anyone in the crowd, least of all himself. It just happened to work out that way for some reason.
Those who know us are aware that a village pub isn’t exactly what we would consider a typical hangout but since our friends were playing we thought it would be a nice change of pace. When we got there it was nearing 11 and a number of patrons had clearly already had their share to drink. After we got settled at the front of the bar, close to where the band was set up, a man close to me struck up a conversation.
At first I found this interesting as it was clear that despite his blood/alcohol level, there was some genuine interest in talking. After all, I suppose it’s not every day that you see two guys in wheelchairs roll into a bar. I was open to chatting and was pretty impressed at how well he understood me. As he began to talk more, it became apparent that he needed someone to listen and I was happy to do so since I saw this as a healthier option for him than pouring more alcohol on top of his troubles. Soon, however, it was obvious that things were beginning to shift.
As soon as he turned back to his buddies, he downed another beer before trying to reengage. This happened several times, and with each, he became increasingly dangerous to himself and those around him. I was done. It was clear that he had no interest in the opportunity I was offering. He began to stumble aimlessly trying to get others to dance with him. As he began knocking into others, including those on stage, I began creating distance between him and where we were sitting in order to protect Megan and our two friends. In a final attempt to engage us, he extended his hand over my head to ask Megan to dance. Realizing that Megan did not fully grasp what he was asking in the moment, I playfully interrupted the line he was extending by gently redirecting his arm, and intent, with a friendly nudge and glance.
While this ended his attempts to engage with us directly, he was still way off kilter and on the verge of toppling over. From where we sat, however, our friends could not safely navigate to an exit and so my next task was to keep them from being trampled upon. By the end of the show, the guy’s friends had contained him somewhat. And that, combined with my capacity to serve as designated linebacker allowed us to open a safe path to the door for our friends.
Tags: disability, disability and love, disability and marriage, disability and relationships, disabled defense, disabled protection, disabled self defense, interability marriage, Megan Cutter, wheelchairs
Last Saturday, Barton and I went out for a night on the town with dinner with our friends, Sloan & Wendy & we heard our friends of The Chris Hendricks Band play at a local bar. It was great to be out as Barton & I had been working really hard the week before & it’s nice to hang out.
As the night went on, a couple of people in the place had a bit too much to drink; they were pretty plastered. One guy kept coming up to me & Barton, which was fine because he was harmless, but he kept asking me to dance. It was funny the first time, not so much after that. I was sitting behind Barton & Barton became a barrier between the chaos on the sidelines & Sloan, Wendy and I. Barton’s concern was that this guy was going to fall back into our friends playing, but he also wanted to protect our little corner.
I’m not sure if the band members saw Barton block the guy’s hand as he reached over for me or if they saw his feet keeping him from coming any closer.
When I talk about Barton & I, how met training in martial arts, the first question that people have is, “How can Barton train in martial arts, in a wheelchair?”
I asked that question, too- on our first time trained together. And I do what everyone does the first time they train with Barton- pull the punch. What does that mean? It means I didn’t give Barton a realistic attack. If there’s not a realistic attack, Barton can’t give a realistic response. Finally, after chiding me, I gave a realistic punch, and he barred my arm & used some unexpected defense techniques.
While in the movies, martial arts can be big and showy, high kicks and complicated maneuvers may not be effective in a realistic situation. In training with Barton, it’s not so much what you do see and more of what you don’t see. Barton plays with angles, timing and distance in addition to all of the fun and pointy parts of his wheelchair. Whether he’s driving his motor wheelchair or in his manual one, it doesn’t matter.
There are down sides- hence our “No hole Fixer Up” Party on Sunday, where a few friends will help us repair the house from the holes in the walls from Barton’s wheelchair (Peace vs War Speeds). I can’t say all of the dents are Barton’s fault.
Tags: Barton Cutter, disability, disability and love, disability and marriage, disability and relationships, disability self advocacy, disabled defense, disabled protection, disabled self defense, self defense for people with disabilities, Speaking Engagements
This past week, we were given the opportunity to give the keynote presentation for West Virginia’s People First Conference. We had the pleasure of addressing 200+ people on “Staying Safe in the Community,” and what that entails for people with disabilities, their direct support and their family members. Much of our discussion focused on the importance of developing a greater awareness of one’s surroundings in order to not only recognize potential danger before something happens, but more importantly, to define one’s own safe space.
One participant described this space as a bubble around someone that is unquestionably one’s own. For many people who have disabilities and rely on the assistance of others from many daily living tasks, maintaining the space may not often be as clear-cut as others who don’t rely on the same level of support.
Because of this, it becomes all the more important that people with disabilities have a clearly defined sense of what is and is not acceptable for those around them to do. It is equally important for them to have the skills, ability and courage to be able to reinforce these boundaries when necessary.
While there are many levels to this, many of which may be considered self-advocacy skills, Megan and I had the chance to go beyond what is often covered in other type of advocacy training and address issues of personal safety and protection in direct and tangible ways. Working with smaller groups of participants in several breakout sessions, Megan and I took participants through exercises to enhance their awareness, set their own safe space and protect themselves if that space was not honored. Each person, no matter what their initial level of ability was, came away with a more defined sense of empowerment and ability to act.
It is such an incredible experience to witness the transformations that occurs in others when they are not only given the tools to empower themselves, but also have the space to explore these tools and discover their own capacity to survive and thrive in an overwhelming situation.
Tags: disability and love, disability and marriage, disability and relationships, disability self advocacy, disabled defense, disabled protection, disabled self defense, interability marriage, Megan Cutter, personal assistants, personal care assistants, self defense for people with disabilities, vision
Last year, we traveled to Jackson’s Mill, West Virginia and spoke at a People Conference, sharing our personal story and discussing creating healthy relationships for individuals with disabilities. In the session before the end of the conference, there was a talk and discussion on relating abuse to people with disabilities. Over 80% of people with disabilities will experience some kind of abuse in their lives, and more often than naught, it will be from those they know- direct support staff, families or caretakers. Many people were open about sharing personal experiences about abuse or the crossing of boundaries by others.
This year, we were excited to come back to the People First Conference and shed light on creating safety in the community and creating personal safe space. We also talked about when your safe space becomes unsafe, both the physical and emotional impact.
The next day, Barton and I taught basic awareness, empowerment and a few self-defense skills to 30 participants during the morning. We saw participants come alive, become engaged and open up to how they can apply these skills in their own lives.
Barton and I worked well together during the week, building and playing off of each other. It is a reminder to us that in addition to our individual goals and dreams, we have this work that we do together that is undeniably important. It cannot happen if it is just Barton or just myself- it is a reminder of our partnership, our marriage and our vision of reaching others.
We each bring components that others can relate to, whether it’s Barton’s experience using a wheelchair, mine as a female, or or our story of how we met and how we overcome adversity together. When we are able to come together and work in this way, incredible things happen. And others are able to see, in tangible ways, how step by step, they can do the same.
During the conference, we took a break and spent a few hours writing haiku, lying on the grass in a spacious field. While I kept feeling the tugs of many other projects I should be working on, Barton brought me back to the present moment, enjoying not only the conference itself, but also the time we spent together.